Okay.

So I eat healthy.
I workout.
And I look good naked.
But people call me anorexic.
God.
Really?
I work hard to look good.
And I look fucking great.
So fuck you man.
I have a lot of sex and that also helps.
I honestly think you’re just mad cause you can’t get this ass.
XOXO
-Shel

Blackout.

I’m going to tell you guys about the time I got black out drunk.
Only because I need a laugh.
I was just barely 16. Probably 16 and a month.
Oh god. Hahahah.
I had a two liter bottle of vodka.
FROM MEXICO.
That shit fucks you up.
This is where I got my nickname. BT-DUBS.
My friend and I ditched school lunch to go to a local sub shop. When lunch was over we decided that we didn’t want to go back to school.
AND I HAD VODKA.
YES!
So we just drive around and drank.
And drank and drank.
And drank.
God. We ended up on a reservation we drove so long.
We picked up this lady and took her to the post office.
She was missing a tooth. I don’t even remember her name.
Then we had two dollars.
TWO DOLLARS.
So we go to the casino.
I can barely fucking walk.
That’s how drunk I am.
“Give me a piggy back.”
“No.”
“Doooooooo it.”
“Darling we’re both gone.”
(We’re not dating or anything. I’m from the south so I call everyone darling and they call me darling right back.)
“Then grab my waist.”
“Oh God. Ready?”
“We got this.”
Fuck. We didn’t win shit.
Then I start freaking out as we’re walking out.
“They know. They know.”
“Know what sugar?”
“Austin.”
“They don’t know that you’re my best friend?”
“Yep.”
And we were out.
I don’t even remember fucking getting back in my car.
So apparently we just drive around for the longest time. We lost the bottle.
Correction.
I LOST THE BOTTLE.
Later, Austin told me that I told him to stop in a field. I ran out into it. Fell down. Dropped the bottle and forgot to pick it back up.
The next day, the vice principal tries to talk to me about it. I have no idea what the fuck he’s saying.
I SLEPT ALL NIGHT AND THEN I WAS STILL DRUNK.
God.
It was terrible.
Then my best friend said that I was on ‘E’.
I’m like, what. I did not fucking sign up for that.
Fuck no.
Nah. My car was on E.
Hahahahah.
The cops got involved and everything.
The next weekend he got a DUI.
Got sent away.
I miss that kid.
XOXO
-Shel

My Hotel is Sketch AF.

Holy shit.
The yelp reviews were right.
“The on thing this hotel is missing is a dead hooker underneath the mattress.”
Ewwwwwwww.
The bathtub was dirty.
Fucking really?
Really man?
#barfcentral
I just wanted a bath.
Fucking assholes.
Senorita needs to learn to clean.
(I’m not racist. She’s actually Mexican.)
XOXO
-Shel

GOD. I really am a bitch.

Oops.
Not really.
I don’t think people understand that’s my defense mechanism.
I don’t know how to be nice.
To people I don’t know.
Honestly, the unknown scares the internal crap out of me.
I could die.
I could meet my husband.
I could GET PREGNANT.
I have no idea what is going to fucking happen with my life.
Fuck.
That’s scary.
I guess that’s why I love to try new things.
I tried a 90% cocoa chocolate bar today.
It was really fucking gross.
Fucking ew.
Well now I know.
I tried octopus yesterday.
I don’t know what I think about that. Pretty weird.
Yup.

XOXO
-Shel

YAY!

No. Not really.

I’m just bullshitting you.

I would just like to rant about something to get it off my chest.

Y’all won’t understand any of it but I NEED to do it.

Okay, here we go.

First the FUCK off, how can you be rude while liking a comment on Facebook?

God you’re such a cunt, so I’m gunna like your comment. Bitch.

Another thing, when you piss me the fuck off, you better fucking expect me to have a really rude ass comment back.

YES. YOUR MOM NOT SWALLOWING YOU RUINED IT.

(Oh-M-Gee. I actually said that to someone that I actually hate then said sorry about it.)

Like no. FUCK YOU. BITCH.

Don’t fucking bash me for being rude to people WHEN THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME.

HOLY FUCKING DOUBLE STANDARDS.

And guess the fuck what?

I don’t care if you have a “disability” and it’s hard for you to walk. If you’re going to run your mouth about shit you don’t know, you better be fucking ready for your ass to be put in it’s place. Don’t have your 32 year-old sister stick up for you like you are some helpless dimwit. I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT. She doesn’t need to be calling me a cunt.

#nah

And she sure as hell shouldn’t be telling me to be mature when thats what she needs to be working on.

XOXO

-Shel